Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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