4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I am in a vortex of obligation.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
