don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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