My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
