last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
