My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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