I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Success! We fucked roommates!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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