I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
