i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
