Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
