dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
