When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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