so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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