I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
