The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
