You were right. It hurts to walk today.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
