i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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