very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
