you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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