Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
