and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
