a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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