I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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