you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
