don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
