I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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