im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
