be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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