im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
