He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
