Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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