I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
