I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She bit a glass in half.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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