True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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