while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
