Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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