I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
