I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
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He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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