I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
