you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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