Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
