one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?