I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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