Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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