did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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