I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Randomize
