Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
