the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
