ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the condom got lost in my hair
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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