then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
