yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
