Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
