I bet he comes in French.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
